"Nobody can touch your private parts, and if they do, you tell mommy or daddy right away."

The average age of reporting CSA (Child Sexual Abuse) is around 52 years old.

This statistic breaks my soul.

Disclosure is complicated and truly as unique to individuals as a snowflake is to a snowstorm.

I need to emphasize SHAME as I do in most conversations that involve sexual abuse. SHAME affects every individual in a unique way and is a common denominator amongst CSA victims. Shame is pliable. It grows, it adapts, it lies. It hides, it numbs, it hurts. Shame is loud, shame is silent. It is impulsive and dangerous. Shame is angry, negative, debilitating, and hateful.

Shame permeates through an entire existence.

As parents we must understand that sexual assault on children does not discriminate! No child is naturally exempt. It doesn’t matter your class or your race. 90% of the time, predators are someone you know and trust.

It is vital to hold conversations with your children that can guide them through disclosure. The complicated part is that we rarely know if our child has been sexually abused without their disclosure. So, our conversations must be more intentional and age appropriate. Better conversations will help your child’s emotional development and communication skills. (both are predator deterrents)

Since I was a child, I have been a disclosure magnet. I used to think that people told about their abuse because they could see my own secrets. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my calling was already in the works. I unknowingly started my trauma education quite early.  

Every CSA victim absorbs their abuse in different ways. Yes, there are the textbook symptoms and behaviors that Google can list. But I know that most CSA victims do not present so obviously.

The most important thing to understand is that each child uniquely carries their abuse. Each child uniquely reacts to sexual abuse. Each person uniquely discloses, if ever.

My goal with this post is to help families unveil disclosure earlier so that the victim(s) can get the help that they need sooner. So many children who suffer in silence become teenagers and adults who also suffer. Self-harm, eating disorders, addiction, depression, anxiety, trauma induced OCD, hypersexuality, night-terrors, auto-immune disorders…the list is endless. Earlier intervention can change the outlook of a child’s entire life after being abused.

Has the conversation with your child sounded anything like this?

“Nobody can touch your private parts, if they do, you tell mommy or daddy right away.”

Looking back at my own conversations with my children, I was hardly protecting them. What I did not understand or account for, is the brain development of my children at whatever age we had these discussions. I unknowingly put a painstaking amount of responsibility on my child when I told them that if something happened to them, then they are responsible to tell me.

Children do not understand what grooming is. Most adults don’t understand the complexities of grooming either. And yet I told my child, basically, that bad touch will be obvious. And when the bad touch happens, you’ll tell me right away.

Without going too far sideways, there are a million and one reasons why a child will not be able to tell their parent right away that they were or are being, sexually abused.

Most children do not have the brain development to be able to verbalize sexual abuse. We expect them to say, “Mommy, Mommy! Mr. Neighbor touched my private parts!”

It is so unrealistic. It is so rare that disclosure happens this way.

(side note: please teach your children proper body terminology.)

Most children cannot understand what is happening to them when they are being groomed and sexually abused. It can take years to understand, hence the average age of disclosure being 52.   

So, how can we have more effective conversations with our children? We want to create conversations that are a gentle segue to disclosure. Better conversations also help equip your child with stronger communication skills again, which helps to deter predators.

Conversation starters:

Let’s talk about your safety, what is safety? Did you feel unsafe this week?

What makes you feel confused? Was anything confusing this week?

Let’s talk about secrets. Has anyone ever asked you to keep a secret?

What types of things have you been in trouble for? Are you scared of being in trouble with me?

Who is your best friend? Why are they your best friend?

What do you like about him/her?

What don’t you like about him/her?

Who is your favorite adult friend?

Why are they your favorite adult friend?

Has anyone ever tickled you? What is tickling? When is tickling okay? Do you like to be tickled? Does it feel good to be tickled?

What is uncomfortable? Have you ever felt uncomfortable?

What feels nice? What kind of touch feels nice?

Who touches you?

Do you like it when they touch you?  

Do you know what a threat is? Has anyone ever threatened you?

What kind of compliments did you get this week? Who gave them to you? How did they make you feel?

Did you feel alone this week?

Tell me about your dreams, are you having good dreams?

What are your bad dreams like?

Have you ever had butterflies in your tummy?

Has anything ever made you feel sick in your tummy?

Do secrets make your tummy hurt?

Let’s talk about how to tell your mommy or daddy a secret that you have.

What adult gives you the most attention? How does it make you feel?

Did anyone give you any gifts this week?

What types of presents do you get?

Do you make presents for people?

How do you show people you love them?

What is love?

Who you love?

Who loves you?

Who tells you they love you?

Sometimes we see things that we know we shouldn’t see. Have you ever seen anything that you feel bad about seeing?

Has anyone shown you anything that made you feel weird, bad, or icky?

Who do you like to snuggle the most? Who likes to snuggle you?

What makes you feel icky?

What scares you?

Are kisses okay?

Who asks you for kisses?

What do you and __ like to talk about?

Please be aware of your child’s body language when having these conversations. Are they fidgeting? Do they shut down? Do they disappear behind their eyes? Do they want to change the conversation when asked a specific question while being okay with answering other questions? There are many verbal and non-verbal cues that a child might present with. Have conversations often so that you may notice any changes in their communication style that doesn’t quite seem like them.

In conclusion, disclosure will rarely be simple. Many times, children will unknowingly leave breadcrumbs in your trails of conversation. The best route to avoid overlooking disclosure and building off these breadcrumbs is by holding more frequent conversations with your child. You might notice that your child will want to talk about these types of questions more often.

If you are concerned with any of your child's answers, I would seek out professional help immediately.

Understanding grooming behaviors will help you come up with gentle conversation starters as to not scare or overwhelm a child into silence. Knowledge is power.  

The awful reality is that your child will feel like it is their fault no matter what if they are sexually abused. We know it’s not our child’s fault, but they do not. And it is not their responsibility to start these conversations, it’s ours.

Even the most hypervigilant parent and strong communicators will have a child who does not disclose until much later in life. I see you, and we will talk about that painful journey as well.   

Love always,

AA