The Freedom To Release

It’s been two days since I watched the Presidential debate. The “debate” still has my mind reeling. I was not prepared for the internal storm that shit-show would release inside of me.

You might be wondering why the hell the Presidential debate has any control over my emotions…

(Or maybe that’s just my inner-critic shaming me for feeling.)

In the last two days I have watched many influencers, political and otherwise, direct their anger at anyone who made any sort of observation that didn’t completely side with their political biases. Fact checkers, investigators, child advocates, abuse advocates, coaches…I read vile verbal attacks by people I respect in my community of influencers, on regular people who stated simple observations they made while watching the debate.  

I watched my coercive-control awareness idol, completely obliterate everyone that did not cosign every statement she made. To say I am disappointed is an understatement and it adds to the frenzy inside of my mind.

*****

Typing helps my brain slow down. Imagine a dust storm of words storming in my right brain. Typing…I open my mind; my thoughts are released into my body. They rip down my neck and flood into my shoulders…my thoughts are slowed down as they siphon through my arms until they hit the bend of my elbows. My wrists are the dam to my brain. My river of thoughts whitecap at my wrists and make their way like estuaries into my fingers. They find their way onto the paper that is my ocean. I can breathe, I release.

*****

As a child I was silenced in every way. I was shown that I was nothing and eventually, that was my truth. It was not safe to speak. So, I silently grew and experienced life inside of myself.   As an adult, I hate being put in a box. Literally and figuratively…

I would like to eventually become more comfortable sharing my thoughts. I feel freedom when I am brave enough to share. I also feel anxiety when I am brave enough to share.  

Eventually, I’d like to truly feel free…

Reading what others were brave enough to share on socials was empowering. There was so much backlash and verbal venom unleashed on those that expressed their simple observations. It reminded me of how dangerous it can be to express oneself.

All triggers for me.

And it now makes sense to me why I’ve been so uneasy the last two days.

*****

I am a PI.

To get paid, I contract with attorneys and am one hell of a fact finder. I am also a Trauma Coach. I help people move memories from the emotional part of their brain to the factual part of their brain. Yes, we can heal from trauma. My niche is Complex PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder caused by traumatic childhoods. My why is COCSA; child-on-child sexual abuse.

My mind works very intensely, it serves me well as an investigator.

I am right-brained. A right brained investigator with a passion for the safety and well-being of children.

My eyes to my brain, my eyes to my heart…what I see and the way I process seeps through an internal filter that has transcended many forms of abuse. I see the world through my own lenses of personal experiences.

I believe at the core of who I am, that if we protect our children and heal them after harm, AND hold those accountable that harm them, we will begin to see our society shift for the better.

*****

I’m watching the debate…I am losing my mind…

The debate slapped me in the face with the reality of where we truly are as a nation. I watch my fellow child-protectors and child-abuse awareness advocates fight the critical thinkers that we need on our side.

I watch influencers on platforms further the divide. I watch them sabotage the cause.

The debate is over. I shut off the TV.

I notice my mouth is wide open in disgust.

My anger internalizes.

I feel emotionally dysregulated.

I go to sleep.

*****

I realize after releasing, there is nothing more important to me than the safety and well-being of our children. I am aware that we cannot all agree on one-sided political issues.

I encourage everyone to continue to ask questions.  

After a lifetime of thinking I was too much…

I realize…I’m not.

I finally value the way my mind works.

I believe it makes me something that this world needs more of.

Ash